Personality 101
You can google just about anything on the internet. I googled “personality” today and found this definition on the Dictionary.com web page: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/personality .[i]
Our personality shows up in everything we say and do. I think of “personality” as the sum total of the traits, characteristics, behaviors, and tendencies that define “who I am.” We know we like some people’s personalities better than others and we know that sometimes our personalities can rub people the wrong way (really, it’s true).
When I was in graduate school I learned that most personality theorists say that our personalities are fairly well developed by the time we are 30 (some say much earlier). More recent research, however, suggests that our personalities can change as we age http://www.apa.org/monitor/julaug03/personality.html
I happen to believe we can change our personalities, if we so choose. For example, as a shy college graduate I had targeted public relations as a potential career for myself. Sounds crazy, a shy person who wants to help promote good causes? Not really. It was just a goal to me. And so my first professional job out of college required me to stand up in front of small groups of people to train and promote a not-for-profit program. I was terrible at first but later learned some skills from my friends and mentors at the agency. Today I provide training as a regular part of my consulting practice and teach college courses - and the evaluations from my audiences are on high end of the scale. The funny thing about taking on this endeavor was that I went from seeing myself as “shy” to seeing myself as a “teacher” who had knowledge to pass along to others. My personality morphed somewhere around 21-25 years of age. I won’t tell you my age now but I will tell you that I continue to tweak the edges of my personality. That’s part of the fun of life for me - to see what I can take on and how I can jump into the world to gain new experiences.
Now, I’ve certainly met people who like to say “I am what I am” (like Popeye’s famous statement) and that’s ok. We live in a free country and if you like how you are then stick with it. Whether we want to change our personalities or not we will find that the world changes around us and so how we interact with people and how they perceive us is going to be affected.
That’s when I often step into the picture. When people get promoted, lose their jobs, change jobs, or experience other significant changes in their life, they can benefit from gaining a better understanding of their own personality. I will refrain from selling here on my blog but if you are interested take a look at my website – I have some examples of how I coach people and the kinds of assessments I use in that process: http://www.anneoffner.com/services.htm
By the way, I think personality is a concept that is a helpful guide for understanding ourselves or someone else a little bit better, but personality does not explain everything. We are much more than our personality. For example, the way we show up in the world is also guided by our ethnic background, family upbringing, the types of experiences and education we’ve had, how we like to think (analytically, logically, creatively, intuitively, etc.), what we value, our religious affiliations, and much more.
Being human can be a challenging experience at times. Having a difficult boss or co-worker, getting promoted into a job, searching for a new job, managing the demands of work and family, discovering the type of work that makes it interesting to wake up each day – these are all challenges that relate to personality – our own and how we work with other personalities.
[i] By the way, I understand that “google” is now an official verb in the Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary. http://arstechnica.com/old/content/2006/07/7198.ars
Ó Offner and Associates, LLC 2009. All rights reserved.
Who Knows Best?
As a psychologist I sometimes work with people to help them understand their own personality and way of being in the world. About 50% of personality is “hard-wired”, we’re born with it as part of our genetic make-up. The other 50% we learn and shape along the way.
One personality trait I’ve found interesting has been what you might call the “I know best” trait. People with this trait believe they know what is best for themselves as well as other people. It actually drives these folks to seek out the best for those around them - or at least what they think is best for them. At times this can be an asset - at other times, well I’m sure you might guess how this could get in the way.
The first time I think I really encountered someone with this personality trait was in college. I had a friend, Heidi, who was taking a lot of the same courses that I was taking. We were pretty different. She was what I called “preppy” at the time - she often dressed in Khaki pants and wore button down shirts for example. She was often exuberant and laughed a lot. I liked that about her.
I, on the other hand, had enmeshed myself in my liberal arts studies, was full of angst and uncertain of what the world had in store for me. I often dressed in vintage clothes and this made no sense to Heidi. With her warm heart and gentle way she suggested that I might want to try buying some never-before-worn-by-another-person clothing. Being the adventurous person that I am I agreed to accompany Heidi to the local retail shop on campus where I purchased Khaki pants, a button-down shirt, and a lime green sweater. I admit I was excited to have new clothes.
Days later I wore the outfit to class, and perhaps out with some friends one night. I remember feeling itchy and unfeminine and uncomfortable. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and saw a traitor! The clothes I was wearing were not mine - they were Heidi’s. I’d turned into Heidi’s clone. I never told her this but I put away that outfit and rarely wore it again. Heidi went on to complete a degree in social work and then married her college sweetheart, Ron, and had five children with him. I’m glad to have this story in my heart and memory because a few years ago, Heidi died of cancer at too young an age.
I knew she meant what was best for me. Had I continued to dress like her I think she probably hoped I’d find a nice preppy man and find the kind of life she was about to begin with Ron. God bless Heidi. I love her for trying.
After college, I actually did learn to buy never-before-worn clothing and I sometimes think of Heidi’s vision for me. But, instead, over the years I found what was best for me on my own.
And so when I meet with people who have the “I know best” personality trait, I often smile because I know they only strive to have the best for themselves and everyone around them. And then I steer them to focus on what they need to know best - themselves, their own way of interacting with other people, and how to be successful using their own unique personality traits. And I suggest that sometimes we need to let people figure things out for themselves, appreciate how they see the world, allow them to find their own “best” way of living…and choose their own clothing.
Ó Offner and Associates, LLC 2009. All rights reserved.
Careers That Meet Our Needs
Careers are dynamic.
Frank McCourt, the author of Angela’s Ashes, ‘Tis, and, Teacher Man passed away this week at the age of 78. He spent the majority of his career teaching in the NYC public school system. His first book was published when he was 66.
Mr. McCourt was born in New York City in 1930 as the oldest of seven children. He was raised in Ireland in an impoverished family. His upbringing was complicated by his father’s alcoholism, the death of 3 siblings, and despair of the type he said could only belong to those raised in abject Irish Catholic poverty. Most of us would have a hard time surviving his youth let alone finding a way to put it on paper for others to read.
He wrote in one of his books that he just couldn’t find the time to write while he was teaching but in an interview he said he found the voice to write his compelling memoir about his childhood, Angela’s Ashes, when he was visiting with his grand daughter. He discovered that writing from the point of view of a child allowed him to defuse the emotions he felt about his experiences.
Along the way, Frank McCourt taught 10,000 NYC youth. If you read the notes some of his students have written in the media following his death you’ll know his wit, abilities with words, and love of literature touched their lives in important ways. And then, when he found a way to tap into his own inner voice he touched the lives of millions more by sharing his personal stories with the world.
Whether you are just starting out in your career, mid-career, or seemingly at the end of the road, consider your own inner voice and what has brought you to this place in time. What do you want to contribute? Beyond our family influence we have to look at our inner desires and vision. Write down your vision, consider what drives or interests you. Keep this in mind as you travel down the road and see what opportunities meet you at the bend in the road you had not anticipated.
Ó Offner and Associates, LLC 2009. All rights reserved.
Careers and Systems
We choose our careers through the lens of our systems.
When we are young our parents, other significant relatives or friends, teachers, and coaches influence our career decisions. They help us identify our talents. They are our role models for what “working” looks like. Sometimes they push us hard in one direction or another. Other times they set us free to discover the world. And, in some cases we end up fending for ourselves. Regardless of the type of influence our system has, the habits and beliefs we develop are often remarkably similar to those in our system.
It’s like the genes we inherit. We can’t deny that we look like cousin so and so or that we inherited abilities in math or writing or art. It is the same with our career choices. For some folks, this is terrific news. They were nurtured along in finding their careers or simply felt comfortable doing the type of work their system thought was advisable, useful, practical…They were well-aligned with their system.
For others, well, they didn’t match as well with their systems. They probably had a series of serious conversations with their systems. These folks had to rebel against the “safe” idea of being an accountant, electrician, or doctor in order to find satisfaction as an actor, chef, or other career deemed to be “less safe.”
Here’s the thing, whether or not you match the expectations of your system its influence still runs through the veins of your career. Sometimes this is helpful - if your system said “be a lawyer” and you chose to be a lawyer then you have people in your system who can mentor you, become colleagues, or socialize with you. Your system reinforces your career choice.
On the other hand if you chose a “less safe” career instead, the system from which you escaped, fought with, or rebelled against still courses through the arteries of your chosen career. For example, if you chose to be a writer you might find writing about legal issues interesting or your system might have offered gentle prods to write about legal issues. Or, maybe you have developed friendships with people in the legal field. Another way you might detect your system in action may be in looking at the choices you’ve made about your career. It would not surprise me if the choices, mistakes, successes, or changes you’ve made in your career are similar to those made by those in your system at some point in their careers. You may have driven yourself hard to succeed only to find stress-related health issues bog you down, just like your father? Or, perhaps you fell into a “safe” writing job similar to the accountant who mentored you when you were young. The system can be overt or subtle. The whole job of the system is to keep you within the safe bounds of what it knows, thinks is good for you, and most importantly familiar to its idea of “career.”
If you are experiencing a degree of dissatisfaction in your career, consider finding out more about what the people in your system did along the way with their own careers. For example you can find out a lot of hidden and juicy information by interviewing your parents. Find out how and why they made important career decisions - and then reflect on any similarities to your own choices. Identify in what way you picked up positive or negative habits or beliefs about how to navigate your career. Whether you are 20, 30, 45, or 60…you’ll find some parallels!
If you want to learn some specifics about how to interview your parents or significant folks in your system, read chapter 7 in this book: http://highlandsco.com/dwyt_page.php
Or, go to my website and read about The Transitions Program - see page 2: http://www.anneoffner.com/docs/Coaching_specifics.pdf
Careers these days are complex – we can work in an office, over the phone, through the internet, on an airplane – so many things are possible. Sorting through our own habits and beliefs can uncover useful information to help us make our next career decision. Once you discover the influences of your system, there are other things to consider. But, let’s take this one-step-at-a-time. Look at your system and then we’ll talk about other ways to enhance your career.
Ó Offner and Associates, LLC 2009. All rights reserved.
More About Small Changes
I’ve posted my latest newsletter to my website. It talks further about the idea of making small changes. Take a look. http://anneoffner.com/newsletter.htm
New job - are you ready?
Believe it or not I know quite a few people who have started new jobs in the past few months. I also know a good number of folks who have been downsized and are still looking for a job, but it’s good to see some positive movement in this slow economy. We all react a little differently to the first day on a new job. Most of us probably experience some degree of anxiety or uncertainty about what we’ve just signed up to do. I think it’s often helpful to do some preparation upfront, before you start the job. Below are some ideas.
Take some time before you start the job to unwind from your old job. Maybe you were burnt out or downsized. Perhaps you’ve been promoted or recruited to a new job across the country. Regardless of your reason for leaving, it’s important to find time to reflect on the past before you embrace the future. Think about the skills you learned, the successes you had, the people you appreciated, mistakes you made, and the lessons you learned. Clear your head of any negative feelings you might have. List the strengths you will be bringing to your new job - and the areas you know you’ll need to improve. The point is to acknowledge your past efforts and recognize the transition you’re about to make.
Next, make sure to schedule a few hours, a day, or a week (or more if you’re lucky!) to enjoy a break from the old job. Stay at home and finish a project you’ve wanted to complete. Enjoy the “guilty pleasure” of going to the gym, a yoga class, the mall, or a movie in the middle of a work day! Take a trip. Do some reading. Plan a party to celebrate your new endeavor - tell your friends to bring gifts if you want to - it’s your party! The point here is to have a little fun, relax, and celebrate “you”. You’ve earned it.
As the “start day” approaches, take some time to picture yourself in the job. Think about the work environment. Will it be different from others you’ve worked in? Picture yourself driving to work. Will the commute be longer or shorter? Prepare for any change in schedule the job will require. Do you anticipate that the new job will require earlier meetings than you’re accustomed to? Will you be able to telecommute? Consider what it will be like to work for the new organization.
If you will be managing a team, put a general plan together for how you’d like to start to work with your staff. Plan to have individual meetings with them to introduce yourself and find out who they are, what their career goals involve, and what projects they’re working on right now. Find out if there are any potential problems they are facing that you need to know about as you step into the first week on the job. Write down questions you’d like to ask your new boss about his or her impressions of your team, their past performance, and his or her future expectations of their efforts.
On “Day One” of the new job, put on a clean, crisp outfit and go off into your new adventure. Take advantage of any new employee orientation or on-boarding program that is offered. It will be helpful for you to quickly get to know the company. An on-boarding program will have some prescribed activities for your first few weeks or months on the job. If your new organization does not offer this type of program, let me know and I’ll try to offer you some tips I’ve learned as I’ve worked with clients to build onboarding programs in their organizations.
Ó Offner and Associates, LLC 2009. All rights reserved.
What have you changed this week?
This week I’ve had to change how I look at my basement. During the recent heavy thunderstorms in St. Louis, I watched as rainwater poured under my back door and through the porous basement walls, temporarily flooding the basement. Now, if this has never happened to you, I’ll explain the experience. First comes shock and horror, then you slip into a sense of the absurd; I mean water coming into your basement is really not supposed to replicate Niagara Falls. Next, you laugh at the absurdity…and then get busy cleaning the mess, pulling up damaged carpets, scrubbing the floor with bleach, airing out the basement to avoid mold setting in. And I recalled my sister’s rational response to her basement flooding last year, “it’s only water” she said. She’s right, water is manageable. Once my basement guy can get over here to help fix the problem and dig new drainage in my yard, the rainwater will flow once again through my backyard and I can stop pouring bleach across the basement floor to avoid mold and mildew taking over the house.
Disaster? No. Inconvenience, irritation? Yes.
On the bright side, I’ve learned more about drainage. I’ve been out in the pounding rain with an umbrella tracking where the water flows and how it gets into my basement. It’s been a small mystery to solve and I feel more connected to my house - sort of like uncovering someone’s personality; I now know more about the inner operations and hidden secrets of my home!
Change management advice for this week: Observe, breathe, smile, observe, gather solutions, breathe, get out the check book, smile, breathe …relax.
Ó Offner and Associates, LLC 2009. All rights reserved.
Changing One Thing at a Time
The best time to make a change is when your schedule is unmanageable. Here’s the deal, if you continue to run full-speed ahead, your engines will eventually wear out. If you can’t recall the last time you got 8 hours of sleep, had 15 minutes to yourself, or exercised more than walking to and from the car then, trust me, it’s time to make a change.
I’m not saying the change has to be a big one - a simple change will do. Just make sure the change is easy to manage and that you consistently apply it for the next 30 days.
For example, at home, if you can’t find your car keys in the morning start leaving your keys in one spot each time you walk into the house; or if you’re “too busy” to make your bed in the morning take 30 seconds to make it. On the road, if you are texting and driving at the same time then make a point to do your texting 5 minutes before you start the car or after you arrive at your destination (texting at stop lights doesn’t count). At work, stand up and stretch between phone calls, take a walk up and down the staircase to unwind, invite a coworker to walk with you to get a cup of coffee, or hold a conversation outside if the weather is nice.
The point: it may seem impossible right now, but I can guaranty that if you pick one thing to change, you’ll find a new perspective. If you can take 10 seconds to put your key in one spot or 30 seconds to make your bed…30 days from now you might find you can take 5 minutes to really listen to your co-worker or your child. 60 days later, you may find 15 minutes to build in some exercise or sit and relax with a book.
If your schedule is getting the best of you, it’s time to make a change. Start with something easy, do it for 30 days, and celebrate your ability to take charge of your schedule.
Ó Offner and Associates, LLC 2009. All rights reserved.
Meet Alexia
Meet Alexia Longacre. An accomplished business owner and manager, she will be providing much needed back-up to me. Alexia builds almost immediate rapport with clients and knows how to get questions answered. If you cannot reach me, she will be available to help address questions or find a time to talk with me. Alexia’s bio is below. You can read her bio on my website in the Contacts tab: http://www.anneoffner.com/contact.htm
Is Openness to Change Fundamental to Success?
I’ve been thinking about the tagline on my website: “Openness to change is fundamental to success.”
A Wall Street Journal article posted on May 11 by Cari Tuna says that companies are laying people off and at the same time hiring for jobs in other areas they call “growth areas” or “key investment areas”. The folks who are laid off often don’t have the skills the companies need right now and so the companies seek out those who do. Now, we can’t always gain the new-fangled skills our companies might like us to have, but as I’ve said before it’s a good idea to seek out continuous learning opportunities. Here is a link to the article: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124198904713604533.html
At home people are realizing that old spending habits need to change. I’ve heard interviews on the radio with people who are raising chickens and growing vegetables in their backyards in order to save on grocery bills. I’ve noticed my own habits have changed at the grocery store - I watch for sales and often go to three different stores to get everything I need (I can save $1 on natural peanut butter and 20 cents on soymilk at Trader Joe’s!). My exterminator told me during his twice-yearly visit to my house this week that he goes to Shop N Save on Thursdays because if you buy $50 worth of groceries you receive $10 off the total price (apparently this is not every Thursday so if you’re interested, check their ads before you go).
I have friends and colleagues who say they really don’t like change - they like to know what to expect and enjoy predictability. Well, I actually like predictability sometimes, too, but I know it’s harder to find these days. And, my friends and colleagues may not like change but I’ve seen them successfully change jobs, adjust to new bosses, deal with lay-offs and divorces, move around the country, and make a myriad of other life-altering decisions.
Liking change and being willing to participate in it are two different things.
So, I’m sticking with my tag line. Whether we like it or not, change is always around the corner. We may as well do our best to embrace it and learn from it - whether we do so kicking and screaming or skipping off into the sunset and jumping for joy!
Ó Offner and Associates, LLC 2009. All rights reserved.