AnneOffner.com

I Am What I Am?

Most of us develop a sense of identity when we are young and then as we grow older this identity matures. By our mid-20s we show signs of consistency in our behavior, the way we dress, our goals, values, etc.  We become known for this consistency and our actions reflect our self-identity.  For example, our co-workers may describe us based on what they have learned about us: “She’s the one who gets things done.” or “He’s the one I can count on to come through in a pinch.” or “I think he talks more than he works.” or “She’s the organized one.” or “He is not the one customers want to talk to when things go wrong.”

If we generally like our identity it gives us a sense of peace. It’s also a baseline upon which to build when we are confronted with new challenges. It gives us confidence to forge ahead or the wisdom to ask for support.

For most of us our identity is dear to us. We sometimes have to defend it: “I am what I am.” At other times we have to explain it: “If you ask me for my opinion I’m going to give to you.” Still other times we need to examine it: “Was I a little too harsh in that meeting?”

As you’ve moved through life, you may have met someone whose identity seems more of a nemesis than a cherished aspect of themselves. For example, I recently read that Peter Sellers, the hilarious star of the Pink Panther movies, believed he had no identify of his own. He joked that there was no “real me” because he had had it “surgically removed” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Sellers). Apparently he took on whatever character he was playing at the time and brought that into his personal life, which had a great deal of strife and turmoil.

Similarly, Michael Jackson seemed to be at odds with his own identity. When I (as a big fan) think of Michael Jackson’s identity, I think of a child star, extraordinary performer, generous benefactor of many charities, super-big spender, and devoted father. His appearance changed of course but personally that never kept me from having my sense of who he was. Yet, the unfolding of his story since his passing shows a man who disliked his own appearance and saw himself as a child. Michael seemed to strive harder and seek with greater intensity to develop an identity than most of us do in our own lifetime. He seemed to be telling the world “hey this is me” but the world didn’t really believe him or embrace the identity he wanted us to know. How many of us want to see a man change his appearance so drastically, purport to be a boy, and socialize with children? Unfortunately his identity didn’t meet the world’s expectations.

Of course, if we all had to explain our actions to the media I wonder where we’d be. Reporters might stalk into our lives and ask “Why didn’t you get that promotion?” or “Are you really dating that guy?” or “If you were a tree, what type would you be!” As Seth and Amy say on Saturday Night Live - “I mean really” is that kind of information all that important?

I guess my bottom line thinking on this is that we need to hold our own selves as dear and understand that some aspects of “who I am” may or may not be accepted by others. If we want to play in certain spaces we may need to tone down or spruce up certain parts of our identity from time to time but stay close to your own identity. To quote from the Desiderata: “With all its sham and drudgery and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”[i]