AnneOffner.com

Who Knows Best?

As a psychologist I sometimes work with people to help them understand their own personality and way of being in the world. About 50% of personality is “hard-wired”, we’re born with it as part of our genetic make-up. The other 50% we learn and shape along the way.

One personality trait I’ve found interesting has been what you might call the “I know best” trait. People with this trait believe they know what is best for themselves as well as other people. It actually drives these folks to seek out the best for those around them - or at least what they think is best for them. At times this can be an asset - at other times, well I’m sure you might guess how this could get in the way.

The first time I think I really encountered someone with this personality trait was in college. I had a friend, Heidi, who was taking a lot of the same courses that I was taking. We were pretty different. She was what I called “preppy” at the time - she often dressed in Khaki pants and wore button down shirts for example. She was often exuberant and laughed a lot. I liked that about her.

I, on the other hand, had enmeshed myself in my liberal arts studies, was full of angst and uncertain of what the world had in store for me. I often dressed in vintage clothes and this made no sense to Heidi. With her warm heart and gentle way she suggested that I might want to try buying some never-before-worn-by-another-person clothing. Being the adventurous person that I am I agreed to accompany Heidi to the local retail shop on campus where I purchased Khaki pants, a button-down shirt, and a lime green sweater. I admit I was excited to have new clothes.

Days later I wore the outfit to class, and perhaps out with some friends one night. I remember feeling itchy and unfeminine and uncomfortable. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and saw a traitor! The clothes I was wearing were not mine - they were Heidi’s. I’d turned into Heidi’s clone. I never told her this but I put away that outfit and rarely wore it again. Heidi went on to complete a degree in social work and then married her college sweetheart, Ron, and had five children with him. I’m glad to have this story in my heart and memory because a few years ago, Heidi died of cancer at too young an age.

I knew she meant what was best for me. Had I continued to dress like her I think she probably hoped I’d find a nice preppy man and find the kind of life she was about to begin with Ron. God bless Heidi. I love her for trying.

After college, I actually did learn to buy never-before-worn clothing and I sometimes think of Heidi’s vision for me. But, instead, over the years I found what was best for me on my own.

And so when I meet with people who have the “I know best” personality trait, I often smile because I know they only strive to have the best for themselves and everyone around them. And then I steer them to focus on what they need to know best - themselves, their own way of interacting with other people, and how to be successful using their own unique personality traits. And I suggest that sometimes we need to let people figure things out for themselves, appreciate how they see the world, allow them to find their own “best” way of living…and choose their own clothing.

Ó Offner and Associates, LLC 2009.  All rights reserved.

Careers That Meet Our Needs

Careers are dynamic.

Frank McCourt, the author of Angela’s Ashes, ‘Tis, and, Teacher Man passed away this week at the age of 78. He spent the majority of his career teaching in the NYC public school system. His first book was published when he was 66.

Mr. McCourt was born in New York City in 1930 as the oldest of seven children. He was raised in Ireland in an impoverished family. His upbringing was complicated by his father’s alcoholism, the death of 3 siblings, and despair of the type he said could only belong to those raised in abject Irish Catholic poverty. Most of us would have a hard time surviving his youth let alone finding a way to put it on paper for others to read.

He wrote in one of his books that he just couldn’t find the time to write while he was teaching but in an interview he said he found the voice to write his compelling memoir about his childhood, Angela’s Ashes, when he was visiting with his grand daughter. He discovered that writing from the point of view of a child allowed him to defuse the emotions he felt about his experiences.

Along the way, Frank McCourt taught 10,000 NYC youth. If you read the notes some of his students have written in the media following his death you’ll know his wit, abilities with words, and love of literature touched their lives in important ways. And then, when he found a way to tap into his own inner voice he touched the lives of millions more by sharing his personal stories with the world.

Whether you are just starting out in your career, mid-career, or seemingly at the end of the road, consider your own inner voice and what has brought you to this place in time. What do you want to contribute? Beyond our family influence we have to look at our inner desires and vision. Write down your vision, consider what drives or interests you. Keep this in mind as you travel down the road and see what opportunities meet you at the bend in the road you had not anticipated.

Ó Offner and Associates, LLC 2009.  All rights reserved.

Careers and Systems

We choose our careers through the lens of our systems.

When we are young our parents, other significant relatives or friends, teachers, and coaches influence our career decisions. They help us identify our talents. They are our role models for what “working” looks like. Sometimes they push us hard in one direction or another. Other times they set us free to discover the world. And, in some cases we end up fending for ourselves. Regardless of the type of influence our system has, the habits and beliefs we develop are often remarkably similar to those in our system.

It’s like the genes we inherit. We can’t deny that we look like cousin so and so or that we inherited abilities in math or writing or art. It is the same with our career choices. For some folks, this is terrific news. They were nurtured along in finding their careers or simply felt comfortable doing the type of work their system thought was advisable, useful, practical…They were well-aligned with their system.

For others, well, they didn’t match as well with their systems. They probably had a series of serious conversations with their systems. These folks had to rebel against the “safe” idea of being an accountant, electrician, or doctor in order to find satisfaction as an actor, chef, or other career deemed to be “less safe.”

Here’s the thing, whether or not you match the expectations of your system its influence still runs through the veins of your career. Sometimes this is helpful - if your system said “be a lawyer” and you chose to be a lawyer then you have people in your system who can mentor you, become colleagues, or socialize with you. Your system reinforces your career choice.

On the other hand if you chose a “less safe” career instead, the system from which you escaped, fought with, or rebelled against still courses through the arteries of your chosen career. For example, if you chose to be a writer you might find writing about legal issues interesting or your system might have offered gentle prods to write about legal issues. Or, maybe you have developed friendships with people in the legal field. Another way you might detect your system in action may be in looking at the choices you’ve made about your career. It would not surprise me if the choices, mistakes, successes, or changes you’ve made in your career are similar to those made by those in your system at some point in their careers. You may have driven yourself hard to succeed only to find stress-related health issues bog you down, just like your father? Or, perhaps you fell into a “safe” writing job similar to the accountant who mentored you when you were young. The system can be overt or subtle. The whole job of the system is to keep you within the safe bounds of what it knows, thinks is good for you, and most importantly familiar to its idea of “career.”

If you are experiencing a degree of dissatisfaction in your career, consider finding out more about what the people in your system did along the way with their own careers. For example you can find out a lot of hidden and juicy information by interviewing your parents. Find out how and why they made important career decisions - and then reflect on any similarities to your own choices. Identify in what way you picked up positive or negative habits or beliefs about how to navigate your career. Whether you are 20, 30, 45, or 60…you’ll find some parallels!

If you want to learn some specifics about how to interview your parents or significant folks in your system, read chapter 7 in this book: http://highlandsco.com/dwyt_page.php

Or, go to my website and read about The Transitions Program - see page 2: http://www.anneoffner.com/docs/Coaching_specifics.pdf

Careers these days are complex – we can work in an office, over the phone, through the internet, on an airplane – so many things are possible. Sorting through our own habits and beliefs can uncover useful information to help us make our next career decision. Once you discover the influences of your system, there are other things to consider. But, let’s take this one-step-at-a-time. Look at your system and then we’ll talk about other ways to enhance your career.

Ó Offner and Associates, LLC 2009.  All rights reserved.